Making, keeping, and deepening friendships as an adult with ADHD is extra tricky business. Issues like rejection sensitivity, social anxiety, struggles with object permanence, and the logistical issues of maintaining communication, sensory overload, and masking all combine to make each step of the friendship creation continuum particularly challenging. Understanding these hurdles can make a world of difference in navigating the complexities of adult relationships. Read on to learn why and what to do if any of these common ADHD hurdles are getting in your bestie-generating way!

We all know how important friendship is. Not only is life more fun when we have a friend along for the ride, but friendship has been found over and over to have a huge positive impact on:

• Our mental health (1)
• Well-being (1)
• Self-esteem (2)
• Physical health (3, 4)

Heck, research even suggests that friendship can help diminish the impact of ADHD symptoms! (5) This means that investing time and effort into friendships not only boosts your social life but may also improve your overall well-being.

Friendship is especially valuable when you’re managing ADHD and friendships, as these connections provide opportunities to strengthen social skills and create a supportive environment. Having a reliable support system can help mitigate the challenges that come with ADHD, fostering resilience and personal growth.

But when you have an ADHD brain, making, developing, and maintaining friendships can be a huge challenge. And not because people with ADHD brains don’t make great friends—they do! In fact, ADHD brains are some of the most compassionate, thoughtful, fun, funny, and engaging friends around!

But there are several (okay—more than several—5, in fact) brain-based ways that ADHD gets in the way of friendship. So, let’s dive in and figure out what the heck is going on so we can tackle what to do about it!

If the mere thought of making new friends makes your stomach turn, you’re not alone.

Quite a few studies have shown a strong link between ADHD and heightened social anxiety. In fact, a National Comorbidity Study (let’s just acknowledge the dreadfulness of the term “comorbidity” right here and now) in the US showed that 30% of adults with ADHD also have social anxiety.

There are likely a lot of excellent reasons for this link. The first is history: one way of thinking about ADHD is a neurodevelopmental delay—which means that for a lot of us, we were a couple of years behind our peers on things like managing impulses, reading social cues, and attuning to others. And, of course, we all know what that looks like on the playground—right? It’s a surefire recipe for exclusion, teasing, and downright bullying.

So, many of us have a history of socializing being complex, but even when our brains “catch up,” it’s still hard, right? We’ve got hypersensitive brains that are always on the lookout for rejection, are often overstimulated, and frequently feel like they’re under attack. This combination of social anxiety and ADHD often leads to avoidance behaviors, further limiting opportunities to connect with others.

The whole thing is a recipe for social anxiety, fear, and a big ‘ole knot in your stomach the minute friend-making/friend-enjoying time rolls around!

Rejection sensitivity—the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad companion of ADHD brains—is like having a heat-seeking missile for rejection constantly in search of a target living deep in your brain. It means we’re more sensitive to the possibility of being rejected or criticized by others. Even the smallest perceived slight feels like a dagger straight to the heart. It might seem irrational to others, but it’s very real for us.

This hypersensitivity, much like social anxiety, can make it challenging to put ourselves out there and make new connections. We might worry excessively about being judged or not fitting in, which can lead to avoiding social interaction altogether. It’s like a constant battle between our desire for connection and our fear of rejection.

But that’s not all; rejection sensitivity can make us look at neutral, innocuous, or ambiguous interactions, see rejection, and then respond with either anger, withdrawal, or rejection ourselves. So we read our friend’s funny look, meaning that she thinks we are so weird, and lash out. We can get through one or two of these misunderstandings, but when it happens over and over, they can really get in the way of a friendship. This cycle can be exhausting, not just for those with ADHD but also for their friends, making it crucial to address these patterns early.

What to Do:

Making friends is hard enough; you don’t need social anxiety and rejection sensitivity cramping your style further!

Consider starting small by joining low-pressure social settings, such as interest-based clubs or activities, where you can ease into new connections without the immediate pressure of one-on-one interactions. The good news is that there are some great medications and therapies that do a great job targeting them both, including ADHD-informed emotion regulation training, mindfulness-based stress reduction, acceptance and commitment therapy, CBT, and even virtual reality exposure therapy. Ready to kick this ADHD frenemie to the curb? Find a therapist experienced in both ADHD and anxiety or book a call with us to talk about how ADHD-informed psychotherapy can help.

I often describe living with an ADHD brain as being like living with your head inside a fishbowl. ADHD brains are super, often overwhelmingly, aware of everything swimming around inside that bowl, but the minute something is plucked out of that bowl?

It disappears.

It’s why the meds get forgotten the minute they’re put in the drawer; the appointment is missed when it lives on your calendar without an alarm, and, yes, it’s why you can go months and months without thinking about your friend if nothing prompts you to. This phenomenon, sometimes called object permanence challenges, highlights how ADHD impacts relationships in subtle yet profound ways.

It’s not that you don’t love them. It’s not that you’re not interested in them, but the minute your friend leaves your kitchen table or walks out of the bar after the game, they are plucked from your fishbowl, and your brain loses track of them, making it pretty darn hard to do all the things your heart wants to do—call to check in, wish them a happy birthday or just make a plan to hang out.

What to Do:

We need to find ways of plucking them back in by creating triggers or rituals that give our friends the recurring roles in our consciousness they deserve. Building simple but consistent routines, like setting a specific day for catch-up calls or scheduling monthly coffee dates, can ensure these connections remain vibrant despite ADHD-related forgetfulness.

• Set reminders to check in with friends regularly.
• Use communication routines, like calling your best friend every Sunday on the way home from the grocery store.
• Schedule recurring meetups to ensure you see loved ones consistently. These habits can create a safety net for friendships, making them less likely to slip away unnoticed.

This one follows close on the heels of fishbowl brains. The text message comes through, but before you get a chance to respond, another message, task, chore, person, or squirrel runs through, grabs your attention, and off you go, letting that message go stale on its own. Only to be followed by the second one two weeks later: “Hey stranger…”

Now, that second (or third or fourth) one may only be meant as a lighthearted reminder. But for most ADHD brains, it hits with an added wallop of shame and guilt. And shame and guilt? They’re crazy uncomfortable. So what do we do? Avoid, of course! We flip over to another app, task, or text thread to distract us from the gnawing in our stomach that tells us we are the worst friend ever…

What to Do:

• Mark messages as unread unless you respond right away.
• Establish a daily or weekly routine to catch up on messages.
• Be honest with your friends about how ADHD affects your communication habits. By being upfront about your struggles, you can foster greater understanding and patience within your friendships.

By implementing these practical steps, you can overcome common ADHD hurdles and nurture meaningful connections. Remember, managing ADHD and maintaining friendships requires patience, effort, and understanding—but the results are worth it! With the right tools and mindset, you can transform the challenges of ADHD into opportunities for deeper, more fulfilling relationships.

Struggling to maintain friendships doesn’t have to define your social life. At The Center for ADHD, our expert therapists understand the unique challenges of ADHD in friendships and can help you develop skills to foster meaningful connections.

Book a Free Consultation Today and take the first step toward thriving socially.

Sources:

1. Rubin, M. and Kelly, B. (2015). A cross-sectional investigation of parenting style and friendship as mediators of the relation between social class and mental health in a university community. International Journal for Equity in Health, 14(1). https://doi.org/10.1186/s12939-015-0227-2
2. Berndt, T. (2002). Friendship quality and social development. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 11(1), 7-10. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-8721.00157
3. Klaiber, P., Whillans, A. V., & Chen, F. S. (2018). Long‐term health implications of students’ friendship formation during the transition to university. Applied Psychology: Health and Well-Being, 10(2), 290-308. https://doi.org/10.1111/aphw.12131
4. Ríos-González, O., Ramis, M., Axt, J. C. P., & Racionero-Plaza, S. (2021). Alternative friendships to improve men’s health status. The impact of the new alternative masculinities’ approach. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 18(4), 2188. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph18042188
5. Khalis, A., Mikami, A., & Hudec, K. (2017). Positive peer relationships facilitate adjustment in the transition to university for emerging adults with ADHD symptoms. Emerging Adulthood, 6(4), 243-254. https://doi.org/10.1177/2167696817722471
6. Kessler RC, Merikangas KR. The National Comorbidity Survey Replication (NCS-R): background and aims. Int J Methods Psychiatr Res. 2004;13(2):60-8. doi: 10.1002/mpr.166. PMID: 15297904; PMCID: PMC6878416.
7. Segool, N. K. and Carlson, J. S. (2008). Efficacy of cognitive-behavioral and pharmacological treatments for children with social anxiety. Depression and Anxiety, 25(7), 620-631. https://doi.org/10.1002/da.20410